Will you "See How it Goes"?

“We'll see how it goes.”

This little sentence sounds innocuous, doesn't it? At face value, it's non-committal. Well, I have a confession: whenever I hear it from a pregnant woman who's asked me a question about feeding, it secretly makes my heart sink.

I don't like to ask women outright whether they are planning to breastfeed or to formula feed. It sounds too 'tick-boxy', and seems to imply that there is a right or wrong answer, which of course there is not. Instead, I simply prefer to ask if she's given any thought to how she might like to feed her baby.

Fairly often, the response is, “I want to breastfeed, but we'll see how it goes.”

It says so much. She's expressed her desire to feed her baby herself, and in the same breath expressed her doubts, fed by a culture that bombards women with messages that her breasts just might not be up to the job. So she says “I want to breastfeed”, but tacks on a little disclaimer at the end that acknowledges she is aware that what she wants to do might very well not be possible.

Naturally enough, pregnancy is often the time that sentiments crystallize into firm beliefs. Sometimes, women find that they have never really given much thought to feeding before pregnancy. Suddenly they are expecting, and faced with choices – all kinds of choices, often bewildering, and all served up tied in a pretty bow of overwhelming desire to simply Do What's Right for their new baby.

And this is where the previously absorbed messages and subsequent doubts start to seep out. Everyone knows someone who was told by this midwife, or by that Health Visitor, or even by their husband's cousin's neighbour's dead auntie's old dog that she couldn't breastfeed, because she didn't have enough milk.

Or because it would hurt.

Or because it would mean that Dad wouldn't be able to help out / bond with the baby.

Or because breastfeeding would ruin the 'sexy' status of her beloved boobs for ever more.

Sounding familiar? Myriad subtle and not-so-subtle messages are transmitted and received every day in our society – online (practically any baby-related search will bring up gentle, pastel-hued misinformation from formula companies), in baby magazines (who remembers the article in Mother and Baby last year where the deputy editor who 'couldn't be fagged' with 'creepy' breastfeeding claimed that it gives you saggy boobs?) and let's not forget TV (EastEnders' Roxy giving up because it hurt so badly, anyone...?)

...Yeah. You get my point. Small wonder so many women are only prepared to commit to 'seeing how it goes.'

And that's just first-time mothers-to-be.

For mums who may have previously found breastfeeding a struggle – those women who have had disappointing experiences when feeding first, second or more babies, the messages can become even more entrenched. Why would things be any different this time, the voice asks? Best set not themselves up for a fall...

So, despite wanting deep-down to breastfeed (who could totally ignore all those chipper little statements trilling that 'breastfeeding is best for your baby' often from the very sources that then subtly say 'but if you can't, use formula'?) these mums then qualify their wish with a teeny, tiny caveat:

“We'll see how it goes.”

It often seems like expectant mothers don't feel comfortable admitting how much they want to breastfeed, in case they don't turn out to be one of the 'lucky few' who end up being able to do so with no issues.

Pssst. Here's the thing. There is no 'lucky few.' Experiencing issues with breastfeeding is NORMAL.

All babies are different. (I know, this is shocking news).

All mums are different. (Again, feel free take a moment to turn away from your screen while you process this ground-breaking revelation, if you must. I'll be here when you get back.)

I'm being silly, of course, but the point I'm making is important, I feel. Breastfeeding is a learning process where we must factor in not just the mum, but the new little person(s). The truth is that all mums – even those who have breastfed a small country's worth of babies previously and are 110% certain they want to breastfeed – are in fact 'seeing how it goes' when each new baby arrives. Each breastfeeding dyad is unique (and breastfeeding multiples is certainly unique, despite its many charms, but that's for another blog post. LOL).

So. The baby is an active participant in the whole learning process, and you can never predict how quickly a baby will 'get' the knack, even if the mum ditched her 'L' plates several babes and countless nightfeeds ago in the dim past. This means that issues can sometimes arise for even the most seasoned of breastfeeding mothers. The difference is, those mothers have normally learned through past experience that the vast majority of issues can be overcome. That's right: we're back to those earlier messages again: painful breastfeeding, insufficient milk (real or perceived); Dads feeling pushed out. While these are some of the main reasons cited by women for stopping breastfeeding earlier than they wanted to, all of these issues can more often than not be overcome, if we expect that they can be overcome, and have access to the right support.

I heard a wise soundbite once, somewhere, that has stuck with me:

“Breastfeeding is 10% technique and 90% sheer determination.”

This might not be entirely statistically accurate, but the sentiment sure rings true. If you expect it to be a learning process, with the distinct possibility that there may be obstacles to overcome, then coupled with the right support, there's a darn sight more chance that you can get there. Having a new baby is exhausting however you feed. Obstacles and issues with breastfeeding can feel insurmountable if you are don't know what to expect or that they can be overcome.

Please don't think for a second I'm suggesting that women who stop breastfeeding because of the above issues are 'not trying hard enough', or some other gubbins.  Women stop for a variety of reasons.  I'm simply saying that statistically we know from research that many women give up before they are ready.  So we can quite safely conclude that many of these women are being failed by inadequate support, poor advice and poor messages that tell them this is to be expected. 

Knowledge and support are key. Knowing what falls within the range of 'normal' in breastfeeding is the most valuable information you can arm yourself with. Learning a little about natural feeding patterns (babies feed a lot), night-time feeds (Perfectly Normal) and growth spurts, where the baby is fussy and wants to feed lots and lots (also Perfectly Normal) can work wonders when confronting doubts and fears that might otherwise sabotage a breastfeeding relationship and have you reaching for the formula.

My top tip in this regard is to find a support network while you are still pregnant: a friendly breastfeeding mum, or group of mums, is ideal. Online forums can be excellent for general pompom-waving and mutual support. Even somebody with older or even grown up children, who has breastfed in the past, can remember the uncertainties that we can feel when establishing breastfeeding and reassure you. Basically, it's just pretty darn great if you can find someone who understands when those doubts creep in – someone to tell you, “that's normal.”

So... yes. First-time mum or not, each time we start to breastfeed a new baby, we will all be 'seeing how it goes'. But whilst this is undoubtedly true, there is an alternative to saying, “I want to breastfeed, but we'll see how it goes,” and thus voicing each and every nagging doubt and fear in five small words.

The alternative is that we can make a firm commitment to breastfeeding instead. A commitment to work through any issues as and when they might arise; a commitment to seeking help and support, rather than second-guessing ourselves, our bodies or our babies based on things we have been told, over and over, until we simply accept them.

Nobody ever knows what will happen in the future, but a first step to achieving something important to us is to commit to it.  That commitment will get you so far, and then you may (or may not) find you need support and help from others.  Please, if you need help, seek it out, sooner rather than later. 

Whether you are expecting your baby at the moment, or want a baby in the future, if you genuinely want to breastfeed, think about it. If someone were to ask you if you've given any thought to feeding, would your answer be, “I want to breastfeed, but we'll see how it goes”?

Perhaps you might consider silencing those doubts. If breastfeeding your baby is what you want to do, I hope you'll feel confident enough to end your sentence a little earlier:

“I want to breastfeed.”